PROJECT WINDBREAKER: PART I

January 14, 2010, Vol. 1, No. 7


CONTENTS
(in scroll-down order)

THE BEARS OF WALDEN PUDDLE
by Dr. Ursula Whipple
Bears will be bears. "Especially if they're horny," says Dr. Whipple.

PROJECT WINDBREAKER: PART I
by the Walden Puddle Writers Uncooperative
We met Dave Le Barquipe on Christmas Eve, when the Three Spirits of Christmas paid him a visit at the Village Idiot Pub. The Spirits did a good job of reforming Dave. Too good?

THE TALK OF WALDEN PUDDLE
reportage from the Agreeable Doughnut Cafe
The Walden Puddle Insane Asylum refuses to change its name, while the 2010 Walden Puddle Garage Band Festival proceeds as planned.

YOUR INFALLIBLE 2010 HOROSCOPE
by Irving the Wise
The finest astrologer in Walden Puddle takes all the suspense out of your year ahead.


THE BEARS OF
WALDEN PUDDLE
Notes from the Field, Plus Expert Advice

by Dr. Ursula Whipple

Field Notes: January 6, 2010. Driving past Hooter's today, I saw Harvey, Clyde, and Alonzo in the parking lot. If they were looking for food in the dumpsters, I wouldn't mind, but they were looking through the window at the waitresses, making va-va-va-voom gestures.

Granted ... those girls work there voluntarily ... and granted ... some of them got implants voluntarily ... but I still didn't like it.

When Harvey, Clyde, and Alonzo got back to the property, I shot them all in the ass with tranquilizer darts. Then I drove up in the pickup with my bullhorn, and I told them a thing or two about the exploitation of women. When the tranquilizer wore off and they stumbled back into the woods, Clyde paused to stick his butt out in an insolent manner. He held that pose for 45 seconds. I believe he was mooning me.

If I can borrow that big projection TV from Mr. Johnson down by the filling station, I am going to make all my male bears watch Thelma & Louise, which is the greatest movie ever made. Those boys need to see that movie repeatedly.

The whole thing left me in a foul mood, so I went inside, stabbed myself in the ass with bear tranquilizer, switched on Pure Prairie League, and lay down to rest. Tacked to the wall, I have this poster of Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke. He is bare-chested and glistening with sweat. Staring at that poster helps me relax. So does bear tranquilizer.

Cool Hand Luke was a bad boy ... a rebel ... but he was also sensitive. I can just tell that about him when I look at that poster. Paul Newman's character had depth, dimension, and sensitivity about the complex needs of women, especially when he took his shirt off.

For Cool Hand Luke, a woman was a thou. For those horny adolescent bears today, a woman was an it. That's why I plan to make all my dumbass male bears watch Thelma & Louise. I myself have seen it 47 times. I've lost count of the Kleenex.

Dr. Ursula Whipple is a freelance animal behaviorist and a contributing editor of Walden Puddle. Since 1990, she has lived in an abandoned cabin outside town, studying the local bear population and being studied by them in turn. Often referred to, by herself and her mother, as the "Jane Goodall of the North Woods," she shares her field notes with us twice monthly, because no scholarly journal will publish them.


PROJECT WINDBREAKER: PART 1
(from The Walden Puddle Chronicles)
877 words

by the Walden Puddle Writers Uncooperative

January 1, 2010

On the first day of 2010, Dave Le Barquipe sat quietly in the recreation room of the Walden Puddle Insane Asylum. He had been admitted on New Year's Eve. A week before, he had been the owner of the Village Idiot Pub. He was the richest man in Walden Puddle, and the meanest one as well.

Now, a week later, Dave was flat broke and in a mental hospital, but he was in a good mood.

On Christmas Eve, the Spirits of Christmas Past, Present, and Future had walked into Dave's bar. [See "A Walden Puddle Christmas Carol" in the post below this one.] As a result of their visit, Dave woke up on Christmas morning a new man. Overnight, his bitterness had been replaced by compassion and love; his skepticism, by the faith he'd once possessed as a young Franciscan monk; his greed, by unbounded generosity.

On the First Day of Christmas, Dave called one of his best customers, Jim Frost, owner of the Village Green Toy Shoppe.

"Merry Christmas, Jim," he said. "I'll pay you one thousand dollars cash to open up your store today. Just for me. Just for one hour."

"And a Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Le Barquipe," said Jim. "See you in ten minutes."

That afternoon, Dave Le Barquipe delivered eight van loads of presents to the children at the Walden Puddle Orphanatorium.

On the Second Day of Christmas, Dave called his financial adviser, liquidated all his stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and options on undeveloped timberland and gave the $26 million in proceeds to the poor. His financial adviser, in turn, called Dave's brother, Anthony Le Barquipe, to tell him what Dave had done.

On the Third Day of Christmas, Anthony called Dave. "Did you at least keep the bar?" he said.

"Well, of course," said Dave. "A man has to make a living. But that's all I want from now on, to make a living. No more frills. No more self-indulgence. Any money that's left over goes to charity."

"I see," said Anthony.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas, Anthony met with a high-priced lawyer and a high-priced psychiatrist from Copious Falls. "What would it take," he asked them, "to have my brother declared legally insane?"

On the Fifth Day of Christmas, Anthony asked Dave to grant him unlimited power-of-attorney. "Just in case something happens to either of us," said Anthony. "We should have done this long ago." He also asked to be designated Dave's legal guardian, "as an additional precaution."

"Absolutely," said Dave. All Dave wanted now was to be nice to people. He wanted to be pleasant and agreeable and not get into any arguments.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, Anthony set in motion the judicial and medical machinery to have Dave declared incompetent to handle his own affairs, which were now pretty much limited to running the Village Idiot Pub.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas, Anthony Le Barquipe, the new owner of the Village Idiot Pub, had his brother Dave committed to the Walden Puddle Insane Asylum.

At Dave's admissions interview, Anthony took Dr. Bartleby Binkerman, founder of the asylum and its chief psychiatrist, to the side. "Doctor," he said, "a week ago my brother was the richest man in Walden Puddle. He sold everything he had, and he gave the money to the poor."

"He's out of his mind," said Dr. Binkerman. "Let's lock him up."

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, sitting in the recreation room of the Walden Puddle Insane Asylum, Dave was happy. He had enjoyed a hearty breakfast. There was a Honeymooners marathon on TV. And there was enough feel-good medication in his system to make a mad dog roll over to have its belly scratched.

An old man in pajamas, in a wheelchair, rolled toward Dave.

"Hi, there," said Dave as the man drew near. "I'm crazy. How about you?"

"That's what they say," said the old man. "But I'm saner than all these bastards put together, and twice as smart." He extended his hand. "Colonel Biff Sanders, USAF, retired. Decorated veteran. Former astronaut."

"Pleased to meet you, Colonel Sanders. I'm Dave. I love your secret recipe."

"Different Colonel Sanders, son."

"Forgive me."

Colonel Sanders waved it away. "Son, I can size up a man at first glance," he said. "I trust you immediately. You have a kind heart and an open mind. I'm gonna tell you something right now that I've never told to anyone since the day NASA had me locked up here."

"NASA put you in here?" said Dave. "When?"

"Twenty years ago."

"Twenty years?" said Dave, worried now that he hadn't packed his summer clothes.

"They did it because I threatened to go public."

"Go public with what?"

"With the dirtiest little secret in the history of space exploration. What I am about to tell you, son, will shock and amaze you. It is the story of the most embarrassing thing that NASA -- or any U.S. government agency -- has ever done."

"More embarrassing than Watergate?"

"Far worse than Watergate. Are you ready, son? Can you handle the truth?"

"I can handle it," said Dave. Having recently been visited by the Spirits of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, Dave felt he could handle anything.

"Son, have you ever heard of the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory?"

"The one in Pasadena? The one they call JPL on the news?"

"That's correct. JPL gets all the publicity. But there was another NASA Propulsion Laboratory. Right here in Walden Puddle. And I was part of it. We ran a clandestine project that embarrasses the hell out of NASA to this day."

"What was it, Colonel?"

"At NASA, we had a Top Secret code name for it ..."

The old man paused for effect.

"We called it ..."

He paused for effect again.

"We called it ..."

He paused for effect again. He was milking it now.

"We called it ..."

He was really milking it now.

"We called it ..."

Boy, was he milking it.

"We called it ..."


END OF PART ONE



THE TALK OF
WALDEN PUDDLE

The board of the Walden Puddle Insane Asylum has again voted unanimously not to change the name of the institution. We chatted at the Agreeable Doughnut with Dr. Bartleby Binkerman, founder of the asylum.

"Political Correctness can smooch my hinder," said Dr. Binkerman. "We've got forty-two patients locked up in there. Every one of them is insane. That's why it's called an Insane Asylum. Do you see the connection?"

To underscore the point, the asylum board has ordered new stationery, as well as new coffee mugs and stuffed animals for the gift shop. All items will bear the institution's new logo, and all the stuffed animals will wear the logo on a nylon sash


WALDEN PUDDLE INSANE ASYLUM
WE DRUG LUNATICS


"Put that in your damn reportage," said Dr. Binkerman.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Speaking of catchy inscriptions, the Walden Puddle Gift Shop has a few yellow windbreakers left from the overstock order placed by the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette, pastor of the Walden Puddle Church of the Definitely Saved. Printed on the back of each windbreaker are the words


LAST JUDGMENT
EVENT STAFF


"If you're wearing one when they plant you," Rev. Bisonnette assures us, "you're in. Plus you get a reserved parking space and an option on a luxury box."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We bumped into Rupert Walker at the Agreeable Doughnut. Rupert is director of the Walden Puddle Garage Band Festival, which will be held on Sunday, January 24, at 4:00 p.m. on the Village Green.

"The Garage Band Festival," Rupert said, "has always been held outdoors in January."

Why?

"We don't want any entries. That's also why the entry fee is ten thousand dollars."

Participating musicians get a slice of Mrs. Agnes Stuart's wild-mushroom cobbler, and all the iced tea they can drink.

"The iced tea freezes their vocal cords," said Rupert.

No garage band has entered the festival since the January thaw of 1972. The lone spectator that year was a deaf person. He left because of melting cow patties.

Cow patties do not usually pose a problem on the Village Green in January, being frozen solid. The children of Walden Puddle have traditionally used them as toys or weapons.


YOUR INFALLIBLE
2010 HOROSCOPE
Use it daily, see if it matters

by Irving the Wise

Editor's Note: Irving the Wise is also known as Irving Weiss, the only CPA in Walden Puddle. Since few Walden Puddlers need an accountant even once in their lives, Irving moonlights doing optimistic Tarot readings, horoscopes, and palmistry. He does not use the traditional zodiac. His Birth Signs are based on the fiscal quarter in which you were born.

FIRST FISCAL QUARTER (Jan. 1 - March 31): You will have no problems of any kind this year. Your love life will be amazing, and you will sell a screenplay for $5 billion. Thus you will need a good accountant. My own accountant, whom I highly recommend, is Irving Weiss, CPA, 12 Village Green Square.

SECOND FISCAL QUARTER (April 1 - June 30): You will have no problems of any kind this year. Your love life will be amazing, and you will make $5 billion dollars by going bankrupt and getting a government bailout. Thus you will need a good accountant. My own accountant, whom I highly recommend, is Irving Weiss, CPA, 12 Village Green Square.

THIRD FISCAL QUARTER (July 1 - Sept. 30): You will have no problems of any kind this year. Your love life will be amazing, and you will inherit the mineral rights to a gold and diamond field worth $5 billion. Thus you will need a good accountant. My own accountant, whom I highly recommend, is Irving Weiss, CPA, 12 Village Green Square.

FOURTH FISCAL QUARTER (Oct.1 - Dec. 31): You will have no problems of any kind this year. Your love life will be amazing. While gardening, you will dig up $5 billion in buried pirate treasure. Thus you will need a good accountant. My own accountant, whom I highly recommend, is Irving Weiss, CPA, 12 Village Green Square.


NEXT POST: January 29, 2010

FEATURING: "Project Windbreaker: The Shocking Conclusion," in which Colonel Sanders quits milking it and gets to the point.

THE BEAR FACTS: Dr. Whipple learns that bears like anchovy pizza. Surely, a scientific journal will take an interest in her discovery. That would really mean a lot to her.

BONUS ITEM: The Walden Puddle Flat Earth and Round Earth Societies schedule conflicting events.


Editor's Note: You're on Page 2 of Walden Puddle, which begins with the post of December 26, 2009. To see the five earlier posts on Page 1, click http://onwaldenpuddle.blogspot.com/ and you're there.

All printed matter in this issue of Walden Puddle copyright © 2010 Walden Puddle Gift Shop. All rights reserved. All photographs reproduced with permission. Original artwork courtesy of Aytsan.