AND HOLD THE LEMON: PART 1

February 14, 2010, Vol. 1, No. 9

SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY ISSUE

CONTENTS
(in scroll-down order)

THE BEARS OF WALDEN PUDDLE
by Dr. Ursula Whipple
She met him on the Internet. He studies bears, just like her. And he claims he looks like Russell Crowe. "Maybe I should keep in touch," says Dr. Whipple.

AND HOLD THE LEMON: PART 1
by the Walden Puddle Writers Uncooperative
Deeply depressed and 99 years old, Lucas Mayfield felt he had nothing to live for, until he switched on the TV ... and there she was ... half naked.

THE TALK OF WALDEN PUDDLE
reportage from out on Route 143
The Rev. Alvin Bisonnette has had it up to here with Diamond Lil's Reputed House of Ill-Repute. But where, exactly, is here?


THE BEARS OF
WALDEN PUDDLE
Notes from the Field, Plus Expert Advice

by Dr. Ursula Whipple

Field Notes: February 10, 2010. For Valentine's Day, I had a serious talk with Alonzo. Wearing that Boston Bruins hockey sweater I got him for Christmas, he is the Big Man on Campus. He has had that sweater on his back for seven weeks now, and it smells like manure. But to lady bears, that makes Alonzo more mysterious and sexy, so they follow him around.

When I was doing my thesis at Central Montana Normal, I waited tables at the Cowboy Philosopher Truck Stop, and a lot of the truckers operated on the same theory.

I said to Alonzo, "Listen here, bear. You play the field long enough, and you're gonna end up alone and miserable, just like Big Jack, who's on a heavy dose of Zoloft. Did you know that? I don't want to be buying Zoloft for you, too, come the day. Find a nice lady bear while you have your looks ... and settle the hell down."

The problem with sowing your oats too long is one day you wake up with skin tags all over your neck. Take it from me, boys, nothing turns a woman off quicker than skin tags, unless she's already married to you and just has to live with it.

I hope Sergei does not have skin tags. I met Sergei on the Internet last month. He is a professional colleague who does his bear research on the Kamchatka Peninsula, which is so far away in Russia than even Russians don't know where the hell it is.

Our correspondence began on a professional plane, comparing field notes. But then he sent me a drawing of himself. He had to send a drawing, he said, because he lost his camera running like hell to get away from a bear. The drawing looks like it is based on a publicity photo of Russell Crowe in Gladiator ... but I decided to suspend disbelief and go with it.

His English is a bit clumsy. He signed off that Russell Crowe e-mail with: "I am kissing upon your dainty toenails, which in addition to the kissing I do nibble."

I, in turn, sent him a picture of some hot chick I pulled off the Internet. I told him it was a recent photo of me. I signed off with: "As for my toenails, my big old Russian bear, I have painted them chartreuse just for you."

Since it was my toenails we were discussing, I also added: "And I have scrubbed them thoroughly with soap and warm water to reduce the number of fungi and bacteria."

Neither of us is getting any younger. I looked him up in the professional listings for bear biologists, and he just cleared 60. I myself am only 29 or so, give or take ... but after a while, age starts to mean less. What the hell, it's Valentine's Day.

Dr. Ursula Whipple is a freelance animal behaviorist and a contributing editor of Walden Puddle. Since 1990, she has been living in an abandoned cabin near town, studying the local bear population and being studied by them in turn. Often referred to, by herself and her mother, as the "Jane Goodall of the North Woods," she shares her field notes with us twice monthly, because no scholarly journal will publish them.


AND HOLD THE LEMON: PART 1
(from The Walden Puddle Chronicles)
864 words

by the Walden Puddle Writers Uncooperative

Lucas Mayfield regarded Valentine's Day with a heavy heart. He was 99, and his wife, Eleanor, to whom he had been married 75 years, had passed away four years earlier during their Diamond Wedding Anniversary Gala at the Walden Puddle All-Purpose Catering Hall.

During dessert, some Baked Alaska went down wrong, blocking Eleanor's airways. Lucas and Eleanor's granddaughter, a prominent physician in Boston, applied the Heimlich Maneuver. Eleanor expelled the now-hideous gob of Baked Alaska with great force, sending it flying across the room and onto the Black Forest Cake being enjoyed by the Rev. Dr. Alice Walker, pastor of Walden Puddle's First Unitarian Meeting House.

"The World-Soul is benevolent," said the Reverend Dr. Walker, pushing her plate away. "Surely this cake contained trans-fatty acids."

All seemed well after the scare, although Eleanor complained of a pain in her abdomen. Ten minutes later, she dozed off at the dais. She never woke up. Fragility and brittleness are facts of life when you're 95. In applying the life-saving Heimlich Maneuver, Eleanor's granddaughter had squeezed too hard and ruptured her grandmother's spleen.

Lucas and Eleanor's Diamond Wedding Anniversary Gala quickly turned into an unscheduled wake. As Eleanor's remains were wheeled away on a catering-hall gurney -- on their way to an ambulance that was in no hurry -- the Rev. Dr. Alice Walker performed a Unitarian memorial service, a rite that often lasts 10 seconds or less.

"Eleanor was a luminous being," said Dr. Walker. "So are you. So am I. Death puts an end to all that. So let's be luminous while we're here. Amen."

Lucas Mayfield, who woke up as a married man that morning, went home in a funk that night, having become a widower. He soon gave up the rent-controlled apartment in which he and Eleanor had lived for 74 years, because her presence in it was too palpable for him. He saw her image reflected in every grapefruit spoon; he smelled her hand lotion on every towel.

Lucas moved in with his grandson Bob. He was deeply depressed. He stayed in his room for the next four years, sleeping 20 hours a day and saying little at the family table. It pained Bob and his wife, Marsha, to watch Lucas ... almost as much as it pained Lucas to be Lucas.

Lucas would rise reluctantly for breakfast at 7:00 a.m. Marsha made sure of it by setting his clock radio. One Saturday afternoon, she made a mistake. She set the wake-up function for 7:00 p.m. that evening, and she accidentally moved the dial from country music to ethnic programming from New York whose signal somehow reached Walden Puddle.

At 7:00 that evening, which also happened to be Valentine's Day, Lucas woke up to the plucky sounds of the Irkutsk Balalaika Orchestra. He angrily turned off the radio. Too annoyed to sleep now, he switched on the TV.

He channel-surfed until he hit HBO, which was showing Atlantic City. On the screen, Susan Sarandon was standing in front of an open window, naked from the waist up, giving her upper body a slow, sensual rubdown with fresh-cut lemons.

As he watched Susan Sarandon drizzle lemon juice onto her bare torso, Lucas Mayfield experienced a Valentine's Day miracle.

For the first time in years, he felt like life was worth living.

For the first time in years, he smiled.

Bob and Marsha were amazed when Lucas left his bedroom at eight p.m. and joined them for a cup of coffee. He had never stayed up that late before. They were even more amazed by the expression on his face. He was grinning.

They soon found out why. "You shoulda seen what she was doin' with them lemons!" he told them. "You got any lemons in the fridge? I'll show ya!" Bob found a lemon and cut it in two. Lucas removed his long-sleeved flannel undershirt and rubbed the lemon halves over his bony chest, moaning for erotic effect. Bob and Marsha felt ill.

"Plus she was a redhead!" said Lucas. "Hell. Redheads have always drove me crazy! Ask the boys down at the VFW!"

For the next hour, Lucas talked nonstop about the movie, and what he called "the incredible gazongers" of Susan Sarandon. Bob and Marsha couldn't get a word in. Among the things Lucas said were ...

"Big gazongers!"

"I felt like I was 85 again!"

"You shoulda seen them gazongers!"

"I want to live! I want to laugh! I want to dance!"

Bob and Marsha had been hoping that something would somehow ... someday ... revive Lucas and bring him back to the world of the living. Now, as Lucas squeezed lemon juice into his coffee, they realized they liked him better catatonic.

"We're so happy you feel good about life again, Grampums," said Marsha. "I think we can use this as a starting point."

"I plan to do that," said Lucas.

"We could go to ball games. And to the county fair. And to restaurants. It'd be so good for you to get out of the house."

"Screw that crap," said Lucas.

"Well, then, what would you like, Grampums?" said Bob. "What will keep you in this wonderful mood you're in now?"

Lucas Mayfield's 99-year-old face took on a dreamy expression. "I need to get laid," he said.


END OF PART ONE


THE TALK OF
WALDEN PUDDLE
Ms. Cynthia Giggs, director of the Lending Library and the only openly admitted poet in Walden Puddle, offers this "love haiku" in honor of Valentine's Day.

He was having big trouble
Unhooking my bra
I did it

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Also in honor of Valentine's Day, the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette and his flock from the Walden Puddle Church of the Definitely Saved demonstrated outside Diamond Lil's Reputed House of Ill-Repute on Route 143 last Saturday.

"We shall not rest," said Rev. Bisonnette, "until Diamond Lil's House of Ill-Repute shutters its doors."

Diamond Lil responded, "Read the sign, asshole. It says: Diamond Lil's Reputed House of Ill-Repute. All the rest is innnuendo."

"Then what about the red lights in the windows!" thundered Rev. Bisonnette.

"My waitresses have eye trouble. They can't handle white light."

Rev. Bisonnette instructed his flock to disperse. "We shall return tomorrow, after Sunday Worship, to continue our noble work," he said. "Meanwhile, I shall stay here through the night, witnessing for the Lord all by myself."

One of Diamond Lil's waitresses poked her head out the door.

"Hi, Alvie," she said. "Y'all want me to dress up as the French Maid or Barbarella?"

"I think Barbarella tonight," said Rev. Bisonnette. "I mean ... not now, Fancy ... I mean not now, harlot ... I mean .. just plain harlot!"


NEXT POST: February 26, 2010

SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY ISSUE ... continued!!!

FEATURING: "And Hold the Lemon: The Tart Conclusion." At the age of 99, Lucas Mayfield sets out to find a meaningful five-minute relationship ... on a fixed income.

THE BEAR FACTS: Dr. Whipple's long-distance Internet romance with Sergei of Kamchatka reaches a make-or-break turning point. Place your bets.

BONUS ITEM: As the Drama Circle at First Unitarian Meeting House rehearses Oedipus Rex, the Rev. Alvin Bisonnette is scandalized to learn: "It's about a boy making out with his mom!"


Editor's Note: You're on Page 2 of Walden Puddle, which begins with the December 26, 2009, issue. If you missed Page 1, which covers October through early December 2009, you can view it by clicking http://onwaldenpuddle.blogspot.com/

All printed matter in this issue of Walden Puddle copyright © 2010 Walden Puddle Gift Shop. All rights reserved. All photographs reproduced with permission. Original artwork courtesy of Aytsan.